Sta.sh
The
Serpent's Curse
Preface
Roy
Longfellow was a pirate who sailed the seven seas terrorizing all who
crossed his path. He was known a the serpent pirate because his jolly
roger was a blood red flag with a skeleton bring crushed by a great
sea serpent. However what no one knew about him was that he was a
cursed man.
Before
Longfellow was born his farther ,who was also a sea fairing man, had
done something so terrible that no could speak of what it was
fearing that they would be cursed as well. Anyway Longfellow's father
had committed such a terrible crime that a witch cursed him saying
that if his wife was ever to give birth to a son on open water the
that boy would never be able to set foot on land. Also every night
when the moon was no longer in the sky he would turn into a sea
serpent and devour a hundred souls before the sunrise. the
consequence for breaking either of these rules was death. The only
way to break the curse was if a woman willingly gave him her heart to
him.
Five
years after the curse was made Roy was born while his father and his
mother sailed across the Atlantic. Roy's mother died in child birth
her dieing wish was that Roy's father not kill their son. Keeping his
wife's wish he raised the boy for five years slowly going insane from
grief from the loss of his wife and having to raise son who was a
monster. Finally one in a fit of he took a knife and slashed Roy
three times across the face.
The
next morning his fathers ship was attacked by pirates. When the
captain of the ship found Roy hiding in the cargo hold he took pity
on the poor boy with his bloody bandaged face. While he had the rest
of the people on the ship killed he took Roy and raised him. He lived
with the pirates for fourteen keeping his dark secret from them and
when the old pirate captain finally died he named Roy the new captain
of the ship The
Bloody Horizon.
few things
"a blood red flag with a skeleton bring crushed by a great sea serpent" you wanted 'being' not 'bring'.
",who was also a sea fairing man" you want 'seafaring'
I would join these sentences "that boy would never be able to set foot on land. Also every night" by taking out the '. also' abd replacing it with an 'and' I think it would flow a bit better that way.
"The onlyway to break the curse was if a woman willingly gave him her heart to him." that sounds really awkward maybe "The only way to break the curse was for a woman to willingly give her heart to him."
"Finally one in a fit of he took a knife and slashed Roy three times across the face." I think you wanted a 'night' and a 'rage' in there 'one night in a fit of rage he took' if its not night and rage you still skipped over the words intended, it happens when we get real good ideas and just type.
"with the pirates for fourteen keeping his dark" you want 'fourteen years'
Again I really like the premise, but the moon is gone for a while most every night, so in the 19 years so far Roy's death count would be about 700,000 people which I'm going to put out there means people probably don't sail anymore or they found and killed Roy. So the wording on that might need to change, especially if you meant no moon as in new moon.
---
"There he goes. One of God’s own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live and too rare to die.”- Raoul Duke (“Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas”, 1998)
Ed: Ya know she won't.
...Yeah, I do...*sweatmark*